As 2018 comes to a close, and I am finally able to hold my son again, I am looking back at the worst year of my life and attempting to let go.
Pain is not new to me – nor injustice. Like most I have been cheated, lied to, betrayed. It’s a part of life. We are full of cliche’s about pain – ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’, right?
Some pain goes easier than others. My father died while gone on vacation, I didn’t get to say goodbye. I was unable to help rewire my middle child to learn right from wrong, after the 10 years he endured of incomprehensible abuse. Repeatedly cheated out of money by those who I have tried to help financially through the years. Not visiting the love of my life in the hospital as we had broke up at that time, and I knew if I saw him we would get back together, which I was not ready for, except, he never came home.
These pains live with me always. But I cannot do a single thing to change these things that have happened to me in my life. These are mine to bear.
When I first heard the serenity prayer, I thought WOW, that is really deep. But until you gain life’s pain, you don’t really understand how truly deep this is. I’ve always thought of these words as a way to forgive, release, move past the pain.
But now that I am older, and have this new pain that I am adding to my shoulders, it’s taking on a different meaning to me. It says ‘the wisdom to know the difference’ – wisdom. This phrase isn’t telling me to let go of the pain in my heart that my son has been victimized by ILLEGAL PROACTIVE ICAC STINGS. It’s telling me to embrace the pain, to use the pain, and turn it into the courage I need to stand up and speak out.
This pain isn’t death. It’s not a wish that I ‘could have’ made a difference in a past situation. This pain is real and
RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME,
happening now and continuing to happen to me and others.
This pain is something I can work to change. I am wise enough to see that. In the next few days, weeks, I will be changing my webpage and blog to focus more on what I CAN DO going forward, more than what we have been through in the past.
LET’S MAKE A DIFFERENCE – TOGETHER!