Those of you who read my blog because this atrocity has happened to you… this blog entry is not for you. This entry is for the people who love you. For your parents, grandparents, siblings, children, extended family, coworkers and those friends that stood by you. The ones who, even if they didn’t agree or understand, stood by you, paid the toll, took a little bit of your pain for themselves to ease your load. Or even took a lot of pain for you. You never asked them to, that’s just who they are. That’s just how much they love you.

I’ve been called, by many people, “Momma Bear”. In fact, Jace Oregon PO called me that. Said she understood that, and respected it. IMO it was her attempt to disarm me, but as a mother, I’m sure she had to think about what she would do in my place. I remember learning in high school psychology, that the strongest instinct within the animal kingdom isn’t hunger, sex, thirst, or sleep. The strongest instinct is a mother protecting her children. Bar none. No disrespect to the fathers out there, you are our great protectors. But I remember sitting in that class hearing that a mother bear will starve herself to death standing between her cubs and danger. It shocked me at the time. Not so much now.

This week there was an article in the Florida Action Committee newsletter. A man caught in a sting had done his time. Been allowed to move into his father’s house. Was living a desolate, restrictive, ruined life. And he made a choice. A choice that scares us more than our loved ones being arrested, more than them imprisoned for a crime they didn’t commit, never intended. More than the years we worry, and wait. Much more than the money we throw at those who say they want to help, that they can help, who somehow rarely do. Scares us more than not knowing how to help them when they get home, how to give them back their dignity, their sense of worth. A purpose. A life.

This man gave up. I do not blame him. But I know I could not survive if Jace made such a choice.

I feel like I am that starving momma bear. Standing, teeth bared, between my cub and danger. I can’t run away, I can’t hunt, or drink, or sleep. I have only one choice. I wasn’t able to protect him last time. It’s my greatest failure in life. I won’t give up. But I am so very tired.

10 thoughts on “Our worst nightmare

  1. I’ve thought so many times about giving up. I actually was thinking about it recently unfortunately. So much time gone by, so many people fighting this injustice and getting nowhere, so many cowards hiding behind the badge. I’ve still got a long way to go, maybe even the rest of my life but we can’t give up or THEY automatically win! So much injustice done to so many and countless more families, friends and loved ones! We HAVE to find a way to stop this and the only way to even try is to keep going!!


  2. Every day I think about it and the only thing that keeps me from doing it is my kids. I think they would suffer more without me, but it’s a constant struggle


  3. And the sick, twisted fake heroes who dragged him into their sick, twisted game of pretend, of course, don’t care one bit about what they did to that family and have done to so many other families. And from what we’ve seen, they will never be held accountable for the disgusting things they’ve done.

    I still don’t understand why people continue to defend and support the very disturbing behavior of these fake heroes who target men on adult hookup sites and sex forums to force their own thoughts and fantasies about sex with minors on those men, to pretend like it was those other men having those thoughts about minors instead of them (the fake heroes), the way it really is. A very disturbing detail about what these fake heroes do in these sting operations is that they not only use sex to lure men, many times they will specifically claim that they are a “virgin”, and they do this AFTER they start pushing sex on the men, just like they only claim to be a minor AFTER they have used sex to lure men to contact them.

    Think about that. Their behavior shows that these individuals have not only spent a lot of time fantasizing about young virgins throwing themselves sexually at men, they then actively seek men on adult content platforms to use those men to help them play out their own fantasies about this (young virgins throwing themselves sexually at men). This is like Jeffrey Epstein mentality. Apparently, these sick, twisted fake heroes are obsessed with the idea of young virgins. What kind of person even comes up with pretending to be that and goes around dragging men who are on adult hookup sites into this? Sick, twisted, and disturbing are the kinds of words that describe this behavior. It’s incredibly disturbing to see people continue to describe these monsters as heroes. They are certainly not heroes. They are the exact oposite of that.

    The facts clearly show the men who are entrapped with these sting operations were in appropriate places for what they were seeking, other consenting adults, NOT minors. And yes, role playing is a common practice in these places. These fake heroes who are doing this just take it to a whole different level. There is no logical or valid reason for anybody to have been forcing their own sexual thoughts about minors on other men, and then turn around and pretend like those ideas came from the men they forced this on. This is called projection, and people need to wake up and acknowledge this is what is happening with these “child predator” sting operations that are targeting men on adult hookup sites and sex forums, where no one expects to find children or minors, and where no minors are being rescued from.

    I really hope this family someday gets the justice they deserve for this. Those evil individuals who did this to their son had no right to do what they did and should be held accountable for the consequences they created for others with their bad, sick behavior.


  4. I read your blog with tears. I have followed your story for years. I am proud of you and your voice. You are Momma Bear! I have been going through the same situation with my son, who was also 20 at his time of arrest in an internet sting on an adult dating app. He served a 6 month sentence but we are not done fighting! My son was diagnosed schizophrenic at 18. My son is now 23 and I have still not forgiving myself. I failed him. Your story gives me hope and drives me to keep fighting. Thank you!


  5. Yes. We get very weary and we all need to take care of ourselves along the way. Suicide is NEVER the answer. I should know; my late husband died by suicide the Christmas of 2007. I had four little children and it was the most difficult time of our lives. There’s a certain something that will always be there from the trauma of it. Life isn’t an easy road. We all have struggles of some shape or kind, but to those who are thinking about it cherish the family and friends you have and just love them. The rest will work out. Don’t even entertain the alternative. We all matter to more people than we realize and have an influence broader than we know. You are loved.


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