Jace and I have been struggling, to say the least. We are up against trial two, our backs to the wall, fighting with everything we’ve got. Unfortunately, over five years into this personal hell hasn’t left us with much! Our fortitude, resilience, mental health – have all suffered greatly.

Currently, I feel like someone who has been ‘woke’ to the fact that evil exists on a scale I never dreamed. I liken these emotions to having had cancer, and worrying it will come back and eventually finish the job! Or knowing something extreme, like that ghosts are real! Wouldn’t that change almost everything in your world? To know something that huge? Its a horrible weight! And I feel transformed into a person who is, but isn’t me.

I recently discovered this when I retook an old personality test… You know, like Meyers Briggs. I have changed. I am less secure, more emotional, less assertive but more observant. I used to be what most people would call a free spirit – did what I wanted with little care for others opinions. While many of you will say that last bit is still quite true…I can REALLY feel these changes. And they are not comfortable. Feeling insecure is extremely foreign to me!

I’ve always been an introvert but now that has ballooned. I want to hide. Not out of shame or fear of what someone might say to me. But because I am now 100% disillusioned with this so-called ‘Great Nation’. And I see it everywhere! Was it always there and I was blind? Maybe.

As an advocate, I read a lot of articles about our plight, our police, our government, our politics – and it all just makes me sick now. The government I grew up learning about, and saw, in my younger days just seemed to understand that the world is better with respect, compromise, and dialogue. Now it’s not dialogue and rhetoric, it’s fake news and propaganda! I can’t wrap my head around how our politicians seem to all have turned into schoolyard bullies – calling each other names, exaggerating facts, purposely twisting words and outright lying?

I am afraid now, of our future. I am afraid for my son, and all the sons in his position. I am afraid for those on the registry, and their families. Until our world comes back to its senses, I am afraid for us all.

11 thoughts on “Afraid of the Unknown

  1. It’s absolutely insane how police can go around forcing their own thoughts and fantasies they create about minors on random men online, for no valid reason at all, and charge them for it. They turn around and pretend like the idea of sex with a minor (or role playing about it) came from their targets and not them. They force this on random men. Then they turn around and lie to everybody about what they did.

    There is absolutely no rhyme or reason for why anybody should assume that men on adult online hook up platforms want to engage in a conversation about sex with a minor. Who the hell even came up that? My guess is that it came from men who have fantasies about teen girls pushing sex on them. So, they decided they could play out their fantasy by forcing it on other men. Why else would anybody think that playing a sex hungry teen who wants to find random men online to have sex with is a good idea? Why can’t our society see that the pretend heroes who have been doing this are the ones who came up with the idea/had thoughts about sex with minors?
    And since our legal system is set up to punish people for thoughts and words (apparently), why are we locking up and punishing the victims of the perpetrators who go around forcing their own thoughts/fantasies about minors on others? If anybody should be locked up or punished for any of these sex sting operations that have been conducted in adult content places (where nobody goes to find minors or talk about minors), it should be those who forced the idea of sex with a minor on the men for no logical reason, other than it’s sick entertainment for themselves and their audiences and it brings them (the perpetrators) other benefits.

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  2. I very much understand how you feel. My Son is going through a nightmare very similar as your Son. Unjust doesn’t even begin to describe what has happened to him.

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  3. I feel your distress. It is easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of negativity. I have found solace in my music, and returning to my seasonal occupation. Sometimes when we read too much news, it has this crushing effect on us. Not to mention what the eastern European troll farms have done to social media. Which Facebook allowed.

    Our attention span has decreased to less than that of a goldfish because we are now constantly staring at our phones, and the constant information streams. It is hateful and something to hate. If you let it influence you.

    I know you have had a hard fight, as anyone who stands for a meaningful and personal cause shall. That is incredible merit.

    Take a step back and breathe. Reconnect with family and friends and neighbors on a personal level over a bbq, or a board game. Take a walk in the park, exercise. I have found this to be my main measure of sanity is how I interact with people in real life. Like we used to do.

    It is relaxing to find if you are personable and begin to once again enjoy the simple pleasures in life how much this will release the burden from your shoulders.

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    1. I appreciate your desire to help. Im hoping your suggestions keep you in the best spirits possible. Those suggestions got me through year two of this ordeal. Year 5 is not looking good. Be well!

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  4. I’ve been in the same place. As much as you can, find some space for yourself amidst all the chaos. Do something you love. Find all the good you can in little things and when you do, soak them up. Know you’re being heard. I saw you at the conference in Houston last year. I and many others admire your courage. You speak for many people — for those who are less willing to put themselves out there. Disconnect for a little while and find some nourishment in the small wonders of the world. You’re exhausted. Time for rest.

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    1. Thank you for the support. Its the upcoming trial that has me frazzled, I fear I am useless until I know my son can get through this. For now the fear is just building and there seems little I can do to keep it at bay.
      On a good note – Jace and I just bought a 7 acre hobby farm in the midwest. We are hoping for a new start – get back to nature and breathe deeper – at least that is our hope. I will be on registry matters saturday evening talking about new developments in WA state – please join Andy, Larry and myself. Be well!

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  5. Once you see it, it can’t be unseen.
    In case it is helpful to you, I rely on something from Mariame Kaba, “Hope is a discipline.” Maintaining hope is not easy. But I see you Kathleen. You get up every day, one foot in front of other and advocate for your son and so many others who have been harmed by an unjust system. On we press.

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