Jace and I have been struggling, to say the least. We are up against trial two, our backs to the wall, fighting with everything we’ve got. Unfortunately, over five years into this personal hell hasn’t left us with much! Our fortitude, resilience, mental health – have all suffered greatly.
Currently, I feel like someone who has been ‘woke’ to the fact that evil exists on a scale I never dreamed. I liken these emotions to having had cancer, and worrying it will come back and eventually finish the job! Or knowing something extreme, like that ghosts are real! Wouldn’t that change almost everything in your world? To know something that huge? Its a horrible weight! And I feel transformed into a person who is, but isn’t me.
I recently discovered this when I retook an old personality test… You know, like Meyers Briggs. I have changed. I am less secure, more emotional, less assertive but more observant. I used to be what most people would call a free spirit – did what I wanted with little care for others opinions. While many of you will say that last bit is still quite true…I can REALLY feel these changes. And they are not comfortable. Feeling insecure is extremely foreign to me!
I’ve always been an introvert but now that has ballooned. I want to hide. Not out of shame or fear of what someone might say to me. But because I am now 100% disillusioned with this so-called ‘Great Nation’. And I see it everywhere! Was it always there and I was blind? Maybe.
As an advocate, I read a lot of articles about our plight, our police, our government, our politics – and it all just makes me sick now. The government I grew up learning about, and saw, in my younger days just seemed to understand that the world is better with respect, compromise, and dialogue. Now it’s not dialogue and rhetoric, it’s fake news and propaganda! I can’t wrap my head around how our politicians seem to all have turned into schoolyard bullies – calling each other names, exaggerating facts, purposely twisting words and outright lying?
I am afraid now, of our future. I am afraid for my son, and all the sons in his position. I am afraid for those on the registry, and their families. Until our world comes back to its senses, I am afraid for us all.