New years, a time of year to look inward and recognize what did and didn’t work over the last year, or even years. For me, that’s the pain and drama of all Jace and I have endured, the pain my friends are still experiencing, the unease that permeates my existence.
I recently attended an online meditation class, from a co member of a coalition I am involved in. I was happy to find this relaxation class. Over the last year plus I did a serious deep dive into my personal depression. I had two therapists – seeing one each week – for six months. It was intensive. I scared myself the summer before last by truly feeling suicidal. I don’t think I’ve ever before felt that desolate and trapped. My saving grace? My stubbornness, and jace. I confessed to him what I was feeling and he helped rally me. The man who would likely be on lifetime probation saved me. How weak is that?!?! I felt a failure in every way.
My therapists helped me uncover the compound PTSD I was feeling, and I did some EMDR that helped release the profound pain I felt from those early days of betrayal. The visions of Jace in shackles, behind glass, unhuggable and afraid. Those of us who are parents know that all-consuming pain – where your child calls for you and you cannot stop the pain that is headed his way. Those moments were my undoing. I could not ever seem to escape their claws on my heart.
EMDR helped greatly. The pain didn’t leave, the thoughts still make me cry but they don’t define my life any longer.
Now, with trial two, and Jace acquittal behind me, I feel somewhat more stable. Still shaken, but no longer stirred.
So I was surprised when I reacted strongly to the meditation routine of the online class. The triggering words and phrases seemed to deal with being safe. In this moment you are safe. NO!!!
We are not safe, any of us, as long as our government and citizens allow proactive stings and other such injustices to occur. Each and every one of us, as we here have all encountered, is one phone call from our knees.
So my ‘nudge’ word for the next year is currently swirling around my brain. A nudge word is a year’s mantra, a call to action or inaction that fulfills one’s own needs in whatever way is important to each and every single person among us.
This year my nudge word is ‘Deliberate’. I have a deliberate plan about the things I want in my life. Things I need to finish, and goals I want to achieve in the next year. I encourage you all to reflect and pick a nudge word for yourselves – your own personal northern star. Write it on a rock by your bedside to remind you every day that you CAN get where you are going in life. We all have and make choices. Make yours be DELIBERATE!
HAPPY NEW YEARS TO YOU ALL
The Lady Justice Myth 
This is a real issue for families in CAGE. In my son’s case – that has still not gone to trial, the
arresting officers stated more than three times that his Mental Health diagnosis of Bi-Polar
Disorder was not relevant. He has been on Soc Sec Disability for over 15 years.
It has been very difficult for him to recover. He has serious bouts with depression.
I recently acquired the Police Officer Standard Training Manual. It contains 138 pages of
training for officers in California specifically related to dealing with potential issues for
clients with disabilities.
So far , in my review of the class material, I have found several statements for the officer students — reminding them to ask if the person being questioned has exhibited any characteristics of mental illness.
Total Disaster
Arrest 2 and 1/2 years ago in California
In jail one day before bail — 12 or 13 court continuances
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I recently read your entire blog — wow, what an eye-opener. My wife Rebekah and I recently celebrated our 19th wedding anniversary, and we met online back in the very early part of this century. I am, of course, thankful that I was never preyed upon like Jace was by law enforcement — but it now scares me to think that that could have been me if law enforcement where I was living at the time in Arkansas were inclined to pick off guys at random who were looking for love and subject them to the most sickening of false accusations.
Given what I know now, in the event that something were to happen to Rebekah, I would be VERY hesitant to look for love online again, despite how well it turned out for me.
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