The last two days have been hard. Not as hard as last year, but hard none the less. This post, I am going to be honest with you all about my feelings. As supporters for our loved ones caught in these traps, we find ourselves in the role of cheerleaders, and often ignore, or try to, our necessary emotions.
As I watched my ‘grand babies’ rip open their presents and exclaim ‘how did Santa know?’ and ‘I wuv it!’, I couldn’t help but remember my own son, the only one I had at their age, and the joy of our own past Christmases.
My youngest says I failed him during this time – that I wasn’t there for him in his critical moments. I’m sure he’s right. The truth is I couldn’t be there – it was all I could do to stay on this earth.
Everyone of you, closely involved in these stings, has thought about suicide. The mother left alone with her children and no bread winner. The girlfriend who’s lover is about to ‘go away’. The grandparents who, in all their wisdom and experience, can’t believe our lovely country would allow this to happen to their offspring – their legacy. And me, the mother who feels helpless to stop the events that put my eldest in harms way. For all my strength, power, voice, conviction, advocacy… for all that I am – I failed my eldest son. I let evil things take him from me.
As he turned to me in the courtroom, after hearing his sentence, and the realization sank into his numb mind – he turned to me with pain and fear crossing his face – and a sob escaped his mouth. He said one word. “Mom?”. And my heart exploded in pain.
Every day I ‘stuff’ or ‘push’ my fear down. Everyday I anticipate my son will not make it out of prison. Every day I fear I will get the phone call that takes me to my knees.
Yesterday for dinner Jim’s daughter made stuffing. I told her I don’t do stuffing. The truth is I do it every day. As do all of you. My heart is with you all.