In the deep end of the pool

I feel as thought I haven’t taken a full, deep breath in over two years.The surface is just right there…I can see it, and if I reach my hand out, stretch it as far as possible, and then just a touch more, it seems I could break through the surface. But I never do.

The descent was long and slow, after the initial shock of falling in, I was unsure if there was even a bottom to catch me.The depths of my fear, rage, and despair pulled at me constantly, and for each step forward I sunk further and further below.

And I have learned to live here, in the depths, for quite a while now. You breath shallow to preserve what little oxygen you have left, cause you know you are no where near the surface now, even though you have been kicking and clawing to get back to the top.

I do not know If Jace will be released in September when his time has been served for the crime they convicted him of. I do not know if Jace will be allowed to return to Oregon. It looks doubtful that Jace will be allowed to live in our home there while on probation.And he would not be allowed to do this, can’t go there, or be near them, or talk to …the list is unfathomable.

And still I fight – for me, my son, my family, my life, my sanity.

We have been told, recently, that there is a major infraction that occurred during Jace trial. That in addition to lack of actual proof as to the perpetration of a crime – that the courts violated Jace sixth amendment, among others.

Our appeal has been started, and we are hopeful that the truth will prevail. But hope is scarce as we continue to wait. Still.

And yet – hope still lives.